it seems so difficult to live a life of absolute humility and grace. to truly love man despite all of his short comings. to elevate others consistently above your self. to always see the world while taking a deep breath, in order to ground your craziness log enough to see the world the way He does. to check your opinions at the door, and to learn. with the eyes and heart of a child.
our housing complex is owned by an AA sponsor. as our neighbors move out, he's moving in sponsorees. shauna and i are now the only ones living here who are not recovering narcotics and alcohol abusers. now, let me say first off, that doesn't bother me. i realize the immensity of addiction, and know that i have a penchant for over indulgence. it's why i've avoided many things in life. i know i don't have the will to stop if it becomes a problem. but, these new folks are driving me up the wall. while i really want to list all the reasons why, therein lies the issue. they annoy me to no end, however, its within the things that annoy me that the my real problem lie. some of them are the loneliest folks i've ever met. some are guys, climbing up after being down for so long, just looking for some hope and reassurance. they are dealing with the weight of their indiscretions, and shame on me for thinking of adding to that weight because i like my privacy and quiet.
as i've grown older, i've begun to grow complacent and selfish. its the disease of life, especially american life. we feel we've earned certain things, that our rights out weigh all else. that whats mine is mine, and whats yours is yours, and as long as we both respect that, we can coexist. we let that little fire inside us dim. but, this world is broken. people are failing. life is hard. i need to change the attitude of my heart on a daily basis, almost an hourly basis, if i am to in any way live as a vessel of love and truth. i want to constantly love unconditionally, to always stop and pick up the one that has fallen. i want to live with grace and humility.
it is, still, difficult for me to understand the reason for which God allowed the world to fall. throughout my life, i've heard all the cliched answers, but i still wrestle with the question. its the toughest for me, and the constant lynch pin of my doubts. i just can't see why He allowed all this misery. the problem of pain, as c.s. lewis called it. for me, this is the true area of blind faith. it is the one area of my faith that i traverse without looking down too much at the terrain upon which i'm traveling. but, i think, true faith lies in obedience. its living in action and deed, despite your doubt or understanding. its about trust. jumping in the pool into your parents arms, deathly afraid of the water, but trusting their arms to catch you.
i read this letter today, from iggy pop in response to a 21 page letter from a fan of his in need. it's what started this ramble:
dear laurence,
thankyou for your gorgeous and charming letter, you brighten up my dim life. i read the whole f---ing thing, dear. of course, i'd love to see you in your black dress and your white socks too. but most of all i want to see you take a deep breath and do whatever you must to survive and find something to be that you can love. you're obviously a bright f---ing chick, w/ a big heart too and i want to wish you a (belated) HAPPY HAPPY 21st b'day and happy spirit. i was very miserable and fighting hard on my 21st b'day, too. people booed me on the stage, and i was staying in someone else's house and i was scared. it's been a long road since then, but pressure never ends in this life. 'perforation problems' by the way means to me also the holes that will always exist in any story we try to make of our lives. so hang on, my love, and grow big and strong and take your hits and keep going.
all my love to a really beautiful girl. that's you laurence.
iggy pop
